Well, I guess that the saying "one chapter of your life is closed, time to start another one" is adequate right now. I just don't know what the new chapter is supposed to be. As some know, My mother, Whom I never really knew has been in a coma for the past year. Well, last Wednesday I received a call from my sister saying that she finally passed. I'm still not sure how to take it so I'm not going to write in depth about it. But I am going to write about how fucking stupid and insensitive it is for people to tell you how you should feel about something.
I find it strange that people have a tendency to expect you to feel and act a certain way in different situations, and when you don't, they look at you like you're some insensitive fucking monster. Incidently, I think it has to do with the way that they feel and they expect you to feel and act the same way they would in that situation. I have an aunt that is this way exactly and she insists to the point of anger that you feel and act the way she does. When my grandmother died, who was in all respects my mother, I had the hardest time. But I didn't cry or act somber in front of my family at all. When the time came for the funeral, I didn't want to go in to the viewing. My aunt threw a tantrum that would make any 5 year old proud of, saying that it was disrespectful and that I should want to see her one more time and that she would have wanted me to. Holy shit, pack your bags were going on a guilt trip. Thing is, I remember to this day so vividly the last conversation that I had with my grandmother. It was a great conversation with a lot of laughter and listening to her talk about everything, it was great. That is how I want to remember her, not being some cold corpse in a casket somewhere in dishwater Oklahoma. I told my aunt and the rest of my family this. Most of my family was very respectful of this, but my aunt, because it is not what she would do decided to continue her tirade on what is "right". So, me, being the eloquent and respectful nephew of a highly Christian woman simply stated in front of the rest of the mourning family, "Fuck you, you can take your pity party to hell cause I don't give a fuck what you think". She didn't say anything else after that about it.
When my uncle was in a really bad accident about 3 years ago, the prognosis wasn't good and I wanted to go back and give my family support, especially my cousin whom I'm really close to. Most of the time was spent in the hospital while he was in ICU trying to recover. The accident was really really bad. A blind intersection in the middle of the country in the wee hours of the morning. It was Pure luck that someone had come through and found the wreckage. I know that my uncle was in really bad shape. They started allowing immediate family in to see him at one point, the likelihood that he'd pull through was still slim to zero. I did not want to go in at all. Same as with my G'ma, I had really good memories of my uncle. He was a very tall and ominous man until you started talking to him. Soft-spoken and gentle, and certainly one of the greatest men I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. Again, I didn't want to remember him hooked up to a bunch of feeding tubes, with doctors constantly injecting chemicals into his body and his face wrapped in gauze bandages. My aunt, yes, same one, was distraught that I didn't want to see him to say goodbye in case he passed. I calmly said that it wasn't what I wanted and she should respect my wishes. She kept yipping at me like a fucking Chihuahua until the point that I was going to explode, she was saved by my family. I was so lucky that they stepped in as I was seriously about ready to go medieval on her and send her to a bed of her own.
When my mother was first in the coma I received call after call saying how awful it is that she's in this and that I HAVE to be dying inside and the misery must be overwhelming. But when I told people that i was actually really ok and didn't really feel anything at all I got strange looks and empty airtime on the phone. Mostly from my family but I got it from friends too. One of my good friends, whom I thought really understood me decided to lecture me on the need to let stuff out and it's ok to cry. Now she knows me, really well. has been with me through two really crappy relationships and knows that I have no problem crying as it does help me feel better(I know I know, EMO). But yet she couldn't understand that I didn't have that in me in this situation. I remember when her uncle died about 3 years ago, she had met him one(1) time when she was 3 or so, But she cried for days on end. I mean she just couldn’t stop crying. She again was projecting herself and what she would do and feel in the situation. She didn't think for a second that maybe I would feel different. Sad to say, but it's almost selfish in a way.
Now that my mother has passed, I’ve not gotten anybody to really give me crap about how I’m handling the situation. I'm thankful of that and that those that know me understand me and understand that I will grieve in my own way. I know that both my aunt and my friend and all the other people I didn't mention have the greatest of intentions, I have not doubt of that. I don't fault them for wanting to help and be there for me. I find it wonderful that I’m loved enough for people close to want to help. But I will fault someone for being insensitive to other people's feelings. Just because you feel one way about something, doesn't mean that another person is going to feel the same way you do. The best thing someone can do for someone else, is simply say, "If you need something, anything at all, I’ll be here for you. Don't be afraid to ask".
