Monday, March 26, 2007

Don't know what you got...

I don't know that I've ever really liked that saying. Partially because it's always been true. No matter the circumstance, it almost always applies. lately I’ve had it echoing throughout my brain continuously and i can't seem to get it to shut the fuck up. I wrote a pretty good size post talking about my recent situation and decided to scrap it at the last second even though I had told someone I would post it (You know who you are, Sorry). It's not that it was a bad post, it was because I felt that, had I posted it, it would have been like I was trying to hold on to the whole situation. Almost like I was holding on to hope. Let me explain just a little. Most know that I was in a relationship with a pretty nutty chica up until about 6 mths ago. Well, before her I was in a relationship with a pretty great girl. But being me(an asshole) I got scared and pushed her away. Well, after me and my psycho ex split up, I ran into this other person. We talked a little bit and I realized that I had more feelings for her than I had thought. The problem is, she doesn't want ANYTHING to do with me. And to tell you the truth, I don't blame her one bit. I was a complete dick. I treated her like shit. I fucked up and have to deal with it. anyway, that's what my "disposed of" post was about.

Instead, I'm going to talk about moving forward. Going to talk about that "Thing". You know what that "Thing" is. It's the "Thing" that keeps people up nights. It's the "Thing" that makes people not eat for days on end. The "Thing" that reduces manly men to sobbing children. The "Thing" that fucks with your head. the "Thing" in certain circumstances, makes people take their own life or those of others in the most extreme of circumstances. I've never been a guy that spends time dredging up the shit in my head that makes people have a hard time moving forward. There has only been one or two times in my whole life that I actually spent more than a couple of days on someone who was no longer with me. it's not that I thought I could just get another girl, or that this one or that one didn't deserve my time, it's just that I figured, if it didn't work out, it wasn't meant to work out. I never wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. I remember getting an email one time that had a list of little quotes, one of them said "Don't waste your time on someone that isn't willing to waste their time on you". I don't think anyone can really say it better than that. I figured I would eventually meet someone that dug me and I dug her enough that it would work out. It was never a big deal. But this one folks, this one fucked with me. It wasn't just one thing that got me. It was a dozen things. None any worse than the previous one.

Part of me is having the hard time letting go because, once I do, I'm done. Once I have let go of someone from my heart, they are gone and there is no chance of them ever getting back in. My mind can't allow my heart to be hurt again like that. The deal is, I know there is no chance for us. If she doesn't want me, well she doesn't want me. You can't argue with that. You can't tell someone how they feel about you. I've had so many friends work so hard at trying to talk the other person into getting back together. But why? You can't change their feelings. Even If they did decide to get back together with you after spending all that time begging and pleading that it will work, it doesn't change how they feel or the reason it didn't work out in the first place. And what about the relationship? Do you think it will ever be the same? Nope, won't happen. case in point, my good friend really messed up his relationship with this girl. he was a complete ass to her and she wanted nothing to do with him after that. he spent the next nine months cleaning himself up, and trying to change the person he was so she'd want him back. He stopped drinking and smoking and started working out. Well, he finally talked her into trying their relationship again and started seeing each other. 2 weeks went by and it all seemed great. Then one day he found out that she had been going out on dates on the days he didn't see her. When he asked why, she said she just didn't feel the connection anymore. My buddy went through a huge depression, started drinking and smoking again, and basically went back to being the person he was before. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there are some circumstances where it did work, but most of the time all we are really doing is prolonging the inevitable. That's all. Doing that does nothing but make the hurt linger and extend the healing process. I like to think that I’m able to see life for what it is, A learning experience. I try to take all of the things that I’ve done right and wrong and learn from them. I know that with her, I didn't do very many things right. Maybe nothing right. I know that I can't change that. I have to learn from it and know what i need to change so that it doesn't happen again, the next one might just be the one. I'm getting older, and I don't want to be one of those angry, bitter old guys that lives the rest of his life in a corner pub, drinking my sorrows away, rehashing old memories about "That" girl. I still hold hope that "The One" is out there and we'll eventually run into each other in some strange way and have a great story to tell our grandkids, and I can safely say that I ended up growing old with "Her".

I know the birdman doesn't like him, but a song i've been listening to lately kind of seems to fit this whole topic of letting go and moving on. It's "What if I" by Joshua Radin and it's extremely well crafted. Enjoy.

What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today

I wonder if you'd miss me
When I'm gone
It's come to this, release me
I'll leave before the dawn

But for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong

I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight

So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

I could've treated you better
Better than this
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter
Can't stay in one place

So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

4 Comments:

Blogger birdman said...

Hard to know what to say to that. Very deep, very real, very honest. I think this has helped you get yoru head in the right place.

There is a lid for every pot - but you have to risk crossing the line your worried about. funny thing is, I don't remember ever being afraid of that line with my wife - maybe that is the sign for you - you wont be afraid, in fact you probably wont even realize you crossed that line of fear.

I'm sure hte song sucks but the lyrics are good

Monday, March 26, 2007 1:37:00 PM  
Blogger the mama said...

totally love the song and you are very wise....

Monday, March 26, 2007 1:59:00 PM  
Blogger The Wrider said...

Great post! You are really starting to impress me with your writing style. (Don't even try to deny you can write or I'll thump you.)

I think you are 100% correct in your blog - you cannot make someone love you or have feelings for you when they don't. It is either meant to be or it's not. People change and every relationship is key to finding that one person you are meant to be with.

What I do know is this; when you find that special someone she will appreciate everything you have to offer in a relationship.. There will be no question it was meant to be.

Monday, March 26, 2007 2:00:00 PM  
Blogger NotTheDoctor said...

Hey man -

That is all you can really do - learn from your past.

Our life time is brief. Good relationships/partners are hard to find. You need to treat the one you are with as if they REALLY matter. Do not let anything be taken for granted or it can all be lost.

You can only control what it is that you do not what anyone else is going to do.

You have the right idea. Correct the behavior that is not good & become a better person for for yourself and for the next relationship you are in. Keep doing the "right" things that you already do & try to purge out the "wrong" ones.

You will find your happiness. Be strong as you move forward.

Monday, March 26, 2007 4:45:00 PM  

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