Sorry for the lack of humor!!!
So i'm home from um....well home. Though i'm not a big fan of it, Kansas is where i'm from, so that's home to me. At least that's where my family is from. It wasn't meant to be a visit to have fun and relax. There was a purpose to it. My mom, whom i haven't seen in about 27 years and haven't talked to in 15, has been in a coma for the last 5 months. She's being cared for at a long term care facility that my sister works at. So a few weeks ago my sister said that i needed to come out and at least say goodbye as the doctors say that it doesn't seem like she'll last much longer. I mulled this over for a week or so and with the help of friends(thanks all) decided that i should go. I didn't know what to expect or what to say other than know that i was quite nervous and as the time got closer i got more nervous. When i finally got there, and my sister led me into the room she was in, i stood at the end of the bed and looked at a person that i didn't recognize at all. I still have the memory of the last time i saw her, and the person lying in this bed in front of me didn't resemble the person in my thoughts or the pictures i have one bit. I tried hard to find any part of her that i would recognize and couldn't come up with any. I realized that i could walk into any room in this facility and feel the exact same way about the person lying there. They are all just strangers to me, just as she is. I'm still working hard on trying to process all of this and make something out of it. Even though i didn't know what to expect, I hoped to feel something, whether it was feeling cheated out of the family environment, or not having a mom around to argue with or talk about girlfriends that were bad for me, or maybe just feel pissed off that i was always alive and she never put any effort into at least trying to keep in contact. Just anything. But i didn't feel any of it. I felt nothing, not even numb, and i'm not sure if that makes me sad or not, which is the worst part. Not quite sure how to take that yet.
"Love of mine
Someday you will die
but I'll be close behind.
I'll follow you Into the dark"
Death Cab for Cutie
"Love of mine
Someday you will die
but I'll be close behind.
I'll follow you Into the dark"
Death Cab for Cutie
posted by AvMan at 8/21/2006 10:14:00 AM
4 Comments:
It's pretty obvious that I don't know you at all. I apologize if my last comment on yesterday's blog seemed shallow regarding the expected humor portion... I did not intend for it to be so.
That was quite an amazing trip you took back to KC. I won't even try to imagine how you must have felt walking into that room. I don't think there was a right or wrong way to feel - it is what it is, for lack of a better description. I think you did a good thing by going.
es DEEP mang!!! You did your part and you did the right thing which shows good character.
As someone with kids I always think about and try to make sure I am a dad and not a father - it's easy to be a father - work to be a dad.
You acted like a "SON" which takes work and not a "KID" which is easy - props to you for that.
After all that - you are allowed to feel or not feel whatever you want
It's quite ok wrider. I didn't take it personally at all. I'm usually very light hearted and sarcastic. But i do have my shakesperian side that i don't mind showing. Sometimes it's the only thing that balances me out. Thanks for the words of wisdom from you and the Birdman. It's all taken to heart.
WOW, so you tell me to read your blog and I will laugh, this is what came up...
I am so sorry for your situation, i can't even imagine what you went thru growing up, and now. To be indifferent to one's own mother breaks my heart. You did the right thing.
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