Angle Of Attack

and yet the opening of another new chapter.

2008-07-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a while since I've updated, but I just haven't been ready to do it as my next update would be a pretty hard topic to discuss.

Well, i figure there's no better time than now. I suppose it'll never get any easier. by the way, this will be a long post.

I met Eddie Sedillo, my best friend, in 1986. He was a dorky kid with thick glasses who was just trying to save his girlfriends honor, and didn't realize what he was getting in to. It seems that my little sister, a nightmare in her own right with a really bad reputation, and Ed's girlfriend Shereen were having a spat and the rumor was that my lil sis was going to turn her face in to road kill. Ed, feeling that he should step up and save his girlfriends butt, decided to confront me instead. After I laughed in his face for approximately 30 seconds he decided to throw a punch, a seriously telegraphed punch on top of that. I caught his fist in my hand and asked him if he really wanted to do this? he said no and walked off. He avoided me completely for about a week, then one day he came over to my table at lunch and apologized. This started a friendship that lasted 22 years.

We were inseparable for the next 3 years of school, even though there were 3 other guys in our close group, Ed and I could always be found together. All the trouble one of us got in, the other was there to take the blame also so that the other didn't have to do it alone. During the one fight that Ed go into I was there to back him up and make sure that no one else jumped in. While growing up, I lived in a renovated dis-connected garage, My Grandmother always knew that Eddie would be there. on Friday and Saturday mornings. What she didn't know is that we were hung over like a mo-fo and we couldn't sneak in or out of his house with any ease, it was just more simple to go to my place to crash.

In our junior year of high school, I started a band with one of my good friends and Ed got in with a different crowd, a crown that i didn't want to be a part of and we kind of went our separate ways off and on over the course of the next year. Ed got heavy into drugs and alcohol to the point that he started missing school and getting in serious trouble with the law. He received a DUI one evening and was so drunk that he resisted arrest and was firmly beaten. We had a kind of intervention and was able to get him back enough to finish high school and graduate successfully.

Ed and I maintained a great friendship through a marriage(mine), a child(his), the death of his mother and numerous, numerous alcoholic binges (both of ours). Though we didn't talk as much, the friendship was always there and we knew that we could always count on each other to be there if needed. Not long after I had divorced, Ed and I decided to be roommates and get an apt in Corona. Needless to say, it did not go well, I hadn't realized how bad Ed's drinking had become and it was starting to wear thin. The death of his mother took the biggest toll on Ed and his drinking. Everywhere Ed went i had to go also so that i could make sure that nothing happened to him. His drinking took all his senses and through them out the window. Had i not been there, who knows if Ed would have made it home most of those night. The Culmination of Ed's drinking and my anger came to a head in 1998 when I found out that he had slept with my girlfriend after she came home from a party drunk and i was out of town. it was the weekend we were starting to move out. I advised him to get his stuff and be gone before i get back or things would be getting worse for him. When i got home, he was there with his father. he took me out on the patio to try and talk but i wasn't interested in that at all, I hit him in the stomach breaking 3 of his ribs and threw him off the second story balcony. We didn't talk for 5 years.

I showed up at Ed's house Christmas eve 2003 at the urging of some very dear friends. it was like old times. It was good to see someone i had spent so much of my life with. Ed was married to a girl that he had known when we were friends before. Though i was glad to be back in touch with him, I knew that he wasn't the person i had became friends with so many years ago. There was always a sadness in him when it was just him and I. I knew that this was because of the empty spot left from his mothers death, and there was nothing anyone could say or do to fill that void. Ed and his wife divorced a year after we started talking again and his alcoholism got worse. We remained friends, but spending time with someone who was so drunk he couldn't stand wasn't on my list of prized activities.

In January of this year, Ed asked if I'd move in to his house with him to share the bills and try and help fix the house up to sell, Hoping i could help my friend out, I reluctantly agreed. I had my doubts about the arrangement, but he agreed that he would cut down on the alcohol and any other illegal "medicinal" activities. Well, i found out how truthful the word of an alcoholic is the first week we were in the house, which i should have known growing up with an alcoholic mother and father, But i had kept my hopes high. The first weekend we were in the house Ed and I got in to a major scuffle and didn't talk for a few days to cool off. He stayed in his room almost 24 hours throughout the whole ordeal. When he finally came out and we talked he said that all he did in his room was talk himself in to hanging himself. I went off on him and told him that he had a 13 year old son to worry about, and that suicide is a chicken shit way out, but i could tell he wasn't listening. It seemed that things were going well for a while and he seemed to be looking forward to several things, which Ed never did. I was hopeful that he had got his wits about him and was ready to move forward with life.

On Wednesday April 23rd, My girlfriend and I were watching the Lakers play the Nuggets in game two of the NBA playoffs. During the first quarter I had gone out to get more to drink and saw Ed talking on his phone. At halftime I went out to go workout and found that the Extension cord was missing. I went and knocked on Ed's door, there was no answer so i knocked again, nothing. I walked around to the sliding glass door to see if he was in the backyard with the dog's. It was dark but i could faintly make him out, It wasn't until a second later that i managed the full sight and recognized the cord and that he had indeed hung himself from the back patio cover. From that point everything was a blur and seemed to slow down. I ran inside and grabbed my phone and a knife. I yelled at my girlfriend to go out and wait for the police as I was on the phone with the 911 operator, I ran in the back yard was cutting him down when i heard the sirens. in the next instance the police, ambulance and fire dept were there attempting to revive him. He was transported to Corona regional hospital and was put on life support where he stayed for a week. I lived at the hospital along with Ed's family while waiting to see if there would be any change. There were few that had any hope, he had zero brain function, and his kidneys and liver were failing him. His father, along with many in the family, came to a very very tough decision, a decision that no doubt, would affect me the rest of my life.

The machines were turned off and Edward Cabanzon Sedillo, 35 years old, ceased to live on April 30th 2008 at 3:42pm.

He is missed.

Come take a gander.

2008-05-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

Hey folks. Just wanted to give a what's up and tell you about my new website.

Randomdoodoo.com

it's just going to be a mish mash of stuff I find on the web. Some funny, some interesting, some will make you just think WTF!!!! I hope that you guys(and gals) will take the time out during the day and check it out. i'll be updating it daily with stuff i find. If you find something that you think would be of interest to me, let me know and i'll look it over, if i use it, i'll make sure to give you your due props.

i will not be getting rid of this site and will start updating it again regularly very soon. Unfortunately so much has happened in my life lately that it has made me hesitant to write updates until i've had it all cleared up in my head.

Talk soon

This is not goodbye.....

2008-05-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

Edward Cabanzon Sedillo
1973 - 2008

Please know that you are missed immensely brother.

Wherever you are, i hope and pray that you have found the peace that you were searching for, and a way to defeat the demons that haunted you.

There's no better way to explain it.

2007-11-29T23:28:00.000-08:00

I saw this today at this website and had to repost it.

Why guys don't want to be friends with a girl who breaks up with them...

I know a girl who broke up with a guy and she told him she wanted to "still be friends." He said, "No thanks." She wondered why he couldn't fall back to being just friends after they had a romantic relationship. I came up with the "McDonalds Analogy" to try and explain it in a simple way that would help all women understand this tough question.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds a lot and ordered a Big Mac Combo meal. A Big Mac, Large Fries and a Coke. You really like this meal. One day, you pull up to the drivethrough and order the Big Mac Combo meal and the girl tells you, "I'm sorry - you can have the Big Mac and the Coke, but you can't get fries with that anymore." You think about this for a moment, and sure - the Big Mac is the centerpiece of the meal, but McDonalds has some really good fries and you like their fries with your meal. So you say, "I've been able to get fries with that before, why can't I have fries with my Big Mac combo anymore?" The girls says, "Well, I just think it is better if you only have the Big Mac and the Coke from here on out."

At this point, a lot of guys are going to go to Wendy's or BK and see if they can get fries with their combo at that drivethrough window. But there are some guys who REALLY like McDonalds Big Macs and they might think, "If I keep coming here and ordering the Big Mac and Coke, maybe she'll change her mind and give me some fries with that later." So they will keep on getting the combo without the fries until the deal breaker happens: One day that guy is going to order the Big Mac and Coke and then he's going to pull up a little bit to pay, and someone else is going to pull up to the drivethrough speaker and order the "Big Mac Combo" and he is going to hear the girl say, "Would you like fries with that?"

That's why guys don't like to be friends with a girl who breaks up with them.

Just the facts

2007-10-18T16:11:00.001-07:00

The following exchange is real. the names have been changed to protect the dolts.

Me: Want to stop by starbucks and get something to drink?

Friend: Sure.

Me: Have you tried the Pumpkin Spice Latte? It's the best thing since cheese popcorn.

Friend: No, i'll give it a try.

After being served and we're in my truck driving away.

Me: What do you think, kicks serious ass huh?

Friend: Umm, it's okay, just tastes like a regular latte, but with a pumpkin spice flavor.

Me: hahaha, yeah?.......wait, are you fuckin with me right now???

Friend: No.

Me: Do you suppose that's why they call it a "PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE".

Friend: Oh.

It’s not personal

2007-10-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what made me start thinking of this, but it’s something that bothers the crap out of me a something that I have fist hand experience with so I’m going to write about it. I had met someone at one point in my life right after a big breakup. This girl was great in so many areas. She was good looking, great attitude, smart and she had the best sense of humor. We started out slow( I made sure of that ) and eventually started getting more and more involved. In fact it was becoming a little more involved than I wanted it to be. We were to the point where she was basically at my place 4 or 5 nights out of the week from the time I got home until I left for work the next morning. Well, I wasn’t yet to the point that I was ready for that. So one day while talking I brought it up. Now, I wasn’t rude or uncaring in my remarks. I told her that I cared for her and thought that we had something great that could possibly go much further, but that I wasn’t ready after only a month to basically have someone living with me and that I was still coming down from my previous relationship. Ok, that was it in so many words nothing more. Remember this. She said that she understood and the next morning when she left she took her stuff with her (Yes, she had already brought stuff over ).

*This is the part of the story where crazy music should start playing so that you know the plotline of the story starts evolving toward that bad*

As I said, she had left that next morning. That morning before she left I asked her when she’d be over. We had plans to go out with some friends of mine that night that we had planned weeks before. She said “I’ll try and call you in a couple of days so you can have some time to think”. I told her that I didn’t need to think and that we had plans that night. She said that "I told her that I needed space and time to think about what I want". I told her that I never said that and that I told her what I wanted the night before. She says “But you told me last night that you didn’t want to see me for a while”. Again I told her that I never said that, that I just didn’t want to have someone spending the night all the time.

*Cue music getting heavier and faster*

She says “Exactly, you don’t want to see me. I said no, and that I do want to see her, just not every single night of the week. Then she throws out the best line ever “So I’ll come over when YOU want to see me on YOUR terms”. I said no not really, if there is a day that you want to see me just let me know, I just don’t want it to be every night. She says "yeah right, that will never happen, you just want me around to be your sex toy". I said now your just being irrational and taking this way out of context. At that point she says, and I’m serious “that’s exactly what you said last night”. I know women hate it, but I just started laughing...out loud...in her face. She told me to Fuck off and I made it a point to never talk to her again.

*Cue sad sad music*

I never wanted us to end, that was never my intent. I just was not ready to have a live in girlfriend. But she couldn’t handle that and took it as a direct attack on her. It wasn’t. had she just said, ohh, ok, that’s fine, maybe we can talk about it again in a month or you let me know when your ready, who knows where we would have been now.

People take shit way too personally. I’m dead serious. Friends, family, significant others, it doesn’t matter. People get way to hurt by the things people say sometimes because it isn’t exactly what they wanted to hear. Now, that’s not to say that sometimes people can go to far and say stuff that’s just intentionally meant to be mean. Those people are usually the same people that get the hurt the most by sarcasm or criticism. Those that know me know that I hardly ever hold anything back, and I don’t expect people to hold back anything when they talk to me. I think that’s part of the reason we as a society have so many whiny assholes(men and women) who can’t handle a little sarcasm or some much needed criticism and sue that crap out of radio stations, tv, schools, businesses, etc or worse, go off and bomb someplace or take a gun into school or work. If you can’t take it, do us all a favor and go gag on the end of a barrel you knobs.

Glen Hansard - Leave

I can't wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone

And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave,
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,

F the Hypocrits!

2007-08-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

So i was out having dinner with a friend tonight that I hadn't seen in a while. Me and this girl usually have the the greatest of conversations, whether it be serious with some humor thrown in(you all know me) or just laughing the whole time. We usually end up parting ways well into the early morning(No birdman, not like that) as we lose track of time. Well, it's currently 7:48 PM on Friday night if that tell you anything. From the moment we met up at the restaurant it was nothing but a bitch fest. Don't get me wrong, i think that is part of being a friend, in fact i believe that it's part of a contract you sign when you move from being just an acquaintance to actually being a friend. Anyway, this was well beyond that, she was complaining about men, and blah blah blah blah blah. Since the last time we had seen each other she had gone out with a few men. She said that the last gent she dated and split up with had basically said that he didn't find her attractive to him. So i looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "men are assholes". plain and simple, you need to move on and find someone that does find you attractive. Well, it didn't end there, she went on and on and on about how men are shallow, and narrow minded, and how all they wanted are the skinny little model girls that would act like a pornstar. That guys never take the time to really get to know a girl's personality and that the outside is all that matters. Seriously, this tirade of bullshit went on literally for about 15 minutes. Holy crap I wanted to stick a freak spork in my eye. After she had calmed down a little bit, her breathing went back to normal and we were able to start a normal conversation, we got on the subject of a guy that she had just met at a bar and had gone out on a couple of dates with. She said he was nice, treated her well and doted on her. That's when the bells went off. So i said it, "But?". She said to my complete and utter astonishment, He's doesn't quite have a full head of hair and he's kind of short. I asker her how his personality was. She said it was ok but she hadn't got to know him well enough.

You have got to be kidding me. Holy crap i went off. I asked her how she had the nuts to complain about men being shallow and heartless and she turns around and does the EXACT same thing. She said that "it's different" and she's not that way and I should know that. I asked her how it's different, she said that it's different because she doesn't know if she can be attracted to him or not. I said isn't that the exact fucking thing that you complained about? Well, that was about it. She got up and walked out in the middle of dinner.

look, the fact is, there are those that won't be attracted to you and some that will. it's nature. I have had girls that i liked that weren't attracted to me and I've been with girls that liked me that i wasn't attracted too. it's nature, and there's no changing it. People nowadays have a tendency to take these things to personally. it's not that there's anything wrong with you, it's just that you aren't a fit for that person. We all have someone that is the missing piece to the puzzle, sometimes it just takes a while to root around through all the wrong pieces to find that one.

Song of the post:

"Follow the leader" by Matthew Ryan

Be Happy Dammit!

2007-07-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

So I figured it's time for a new post. It's been a while and work had been clogging me down and now it's eased up a little bit. plus i didn't really have much to say, I mean, I did, just didn't have the urge to expand on what i wanted to write about. But now i feel the need to write.

So i spent the weekend hanging out with my cousin Steve as he was visiting from Kansas with his wife and kids. I love the guy, but holy crap what a freakin redneck. so we were out in San Bernardino doing some things and decided to go get something to eat. We were sitting muching down on a kick ass Chicken pot pie(They freakin rock) and i see one of the girls i used to be really good friends with that worked at the M. We got to talking a little bit and she asks about my personal life and how my relationship is going(i knew the one she was talking about). I told her that I have ZERO personal life and haven't for about a year. She goes into the whole schpeal about how great a person I am and how cute and blah blah blah and i knew what was coming next. She throws it out there, "I have someone who would be perfect for you", and i just kind of stared blankly back.

Now, most of the time i have no problem going out on dates with someone who knows someone. I don't have that whole, panic attack, can't breathe, can't talk, clammy hand syndrome that some people have when going out with someone new. I actually like it. I mean, it's not as great as having someone that already knows you and can finish your sentences for you, but it's fun sometimes. Most people worry about it not working out and not being able to impress someone because they say something wrong or they don't like all the same stuff. I don't go into those with that attitude, i go into it like i'm having lunch/dinner/drinks with a friend that i haven't seen in a long time. I just go to have fun, if it works out that's great, if not, then i've just gained a new friend.

Anyway, I digress, that's not the point of this. After i got over my deer in headlights look, i politely declined it and thanked her profusely for it but said that i was enjoying just being alone right now. She gave me a look like I was insane, but it's true. I think that in the world we live in that it's a social fo paugh not to have a significant other. I think that's bullshit. Maybe if more people would just be happy with the people that they are alone, they can be happier with the people they're with. I've spent a lot of time in and out of relationships, and in either of the cirsumstances, i made it a point first and foremost to just be happy. This last bout of relationship hell, actually it wasn't the relationship that was bad, it is the getting past it that is pure hell. I know that i'm not past it yet and it will probably take me quite a long time to get to that point where i can say, "i'm done". It has taken it's toll on me, mind, body and soul and though i'm not in the place in my life that i'd really like to be, i am happy, This i can say.

Let me see, what songs have i been listening to....I know, this one is great and it kind of fits. Glad to be back, Enjoy.

James Carrington
Ache

Isn't it strange the way things can change
The life that you lead turned on its head
Suddenly someone means more than you felt before
Her house and its yard turns into home

I'm sorry but I meant to say
many things along the way
so this ones for you

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache for you?

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache/and I hope its not too late
Have I told you I ache/Can I hold you and ache for you?

The time that it took writing words for my book
seems to have broken in half
The gate that i shut last time i got hurt
seems to have opened itself

Oh the world its spinning now its trying to catch me up
and tell me to appreciate the here and now

I'm sorry but i meant to say
many things along the way
so this ones for you

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache for you?

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache/and I hope its not too late
Have I told you I ache/Can I hold you and ache for you?

Life Hates Me.

2007-05-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've got so much to say but haven't had the time to put them down. Life is moving forward and doing it at a quick, yet really busy pace. I'm hoping to have something really good, really soon for you to read and dissect. Until then, i'm going to leave you with some really great lyrics. Everyone knows i'm a huge fan of Better Than Ezra, this song will help you see why. Enjoy.

Better Than Ezra
Breathless.

Here you are now
Fresh from your wars
Back from the edge of time
And all that you were
Stripped to the bone
I thought you'd want to know

When you feel the world is
crashing all around your
feet come running headlong
into my arms...
Breathless.
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now, running headlong into my arms...breathless

Lay down your guns
Too weak to run
Nothing can harm you here
Your precious heart
Broken and scarred
Somehow you made it through

I only ask that you won't go again

When you feel the world is
crashing all around your
feet come running headlong
into my arms...
Breathless.
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now, running headlong into my arms...breathless

So glad to see you smiling
So good to hear you laugh
I think that you found you even missed yourself
I'm only askin this cause I
think that truth be told
Oh, you'll never go again...

Being Done with Moving forward.

2007-04-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

There have been quite a few posts over the last few months about the need to move forward. it is important in so many ways, but most of all, it is detrimental in keeping your sanity in check. On that note, continuing to talk about moving forward is just as bad as not moving forward at all. So i will post this one last piece about it(Or in this case, lack of wanting to move forward). It's another poem from my fav poet, Mr. Rod McKuen. Hope you all enjoy it.

The smell goes first.
The smell that closed rooms have
when women are about.

No coffee smell,
no sweet stale smell of bath.
no hair smell on the pillow,
no smell of beds too long unchanged.

I kept the window closed all day
trying to retain what little of you there was left.

And now the darkness like firecrackers ringing in my
ears,
trying to sleep in the same unchanged bed
calling back old images
to make the evening come out right.

heed the safety warning

2007-04-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

I had forgot about this incident until i started writing my last post. I worked construction with my uncle During holidays and summer vacation. At one point we had to hire another framing crew, Two American Idian Brothers. I had gone out to the job site the new crew was working on with my uncle to make sure they were up to code. They were in the process of nailing the plywood down on the rafters with pneumatic nailers.

Uncle: You guys making sure you don't space the nails too far apart?

Brother 1: Yah, no more than xxx inches apart.

Brother 2: But we don't have enough plywood to finish everything.

U: I'll go call and get it out here now.

While waiting for my uncle to come back i watched while the brothers were talking, one of the brothers was kind of swinging his nail gun back and forth.

Me: be careful with the safety triggers taped like that.

Brother 2: Ahh, we've never had a problem before with it.

*KLANK*

*Stunned Silence and empty stares*

*Grown man screamin*

Me: Did you just nail a nail through your leg?

B 2: Yup

B 1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: Dumb ass.

A light

2007-04-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post something positive today. My last few posts have been complete downers and I wanted to change that. I was able to talk to my Aunt Brenda the other night for quite a while. I love talking to her, she's one of the few people that get me and at the same time keeps me in line from all of my bullshit(and everyone knows i'm full of it). My Aunt is married to my Uncle Brad, who is my dad's brother and a huge influence on my life. Well we got on the discussion on how they met and she brought up a lot of things that I had forgotten about over the years, as I was 17 when all this happened. The story of how they met and ended up together is one of the best stories real or not to hear. I've decided to recite it here, just the quick version. don't know if it will be totally accurate, but it'll be close enough.

Both my Aunt Brenda and my Uncle Brad were in marriages with people they had been with since high school. Both divorced in their late twenties, early thirties. After their divorces, My Aunt had moved back into her parent's house soon after and was in the process of finishing school to be an RN. She had pretty much written men off at this point and just worried about raising her two girls on her own. My Uncle, who was the superintendant for his ex father in law's construction company, moved into my grandparents house. My uncle, forever the optimist, was visibly void of optimism for a very long time.

In the summer of that year, his best friend for many years, invited him to a party at their neighbors house. The reason for the Party was partly to introduce my uncle to the neighbors sister, my Aunt. My Uncle went to the neighbor's party and met my Aunt and had small conversations with her, though neither of them thought twice about it. Well, during this party, my Uncle's ex or soon-to-be Ex showed up completely by suprise. My uncle spent pretty much the rest of the party with her, talking and just being the gentleman that he is. He made sure that if she needed anything she got it, and he carried her plate away when she was done. This was noticed by everyone, even my Aunt who took notice. a lot of people came up to the sister and apologized as they didn't know the ex would be there. She told everyone that that was no reason to apologize and that he should spend time with the person that he cares about.

Flash Forward 5 months to halloween of that year. My Uncle and his wife had finally filed for divorce and my uncle was getting on with his life. He had a big party to go to and i helped him get ready for it. It was a great costume. A complete black monks outfit with a large hood. We painted his face up to look like a skeleton. It was guaranteed to keep the women away. My Uncle shows up at the house and who goes to answer the door, yup, my Aunt of course, Does she open it? Nope. She looks out the peep hole and see's a fairly large strange looking man dressed like a creep. She walkes in to her sister and said there is some stranger at the door and she's not going to answer it. They get re-introduced and spend time talking throughout the evening.

I don't know who asked who out but they eventually ended up spending a LOT more time together. Many nights spent sitting in a vehicle talking about what they want out of life and don't want out of life. They seemed to have hit is off from the start and had a lot in common. My Aunt's biggest deal was her kids. She had to have someone that not only got along with her kids and whom her kids got along with, but someone whom her kids had respect for. My Uncle was that guy.

They spent the next 9 - 12 months together, some weekdays, but mostly weekends. My Cousin and I would do a lot with them when able as we were on my uncle's construction crew. One day my Uncle came to her house with a ring and blueprints for a house of their own together and asked her to marry him. She of course said FO SHO, or maybe it was yes, can't remember the story that well.

They've been married now for 16 years(or so) and Though they've had their ups and downs, they have been through it all. They moved from SoCal to Kansas approx 12 years ago to raise their family. They have two kids of their own but they are all four their children. They even have two grand kids(HAHAHA, they're grandparents. didn't hit me until now). They've always been a source of hope for me during the bad times. Knowing that each of them gave up on life in their own way, and yet were able to find each other makes me realize that, somehow, someway, there is hope for me(and others) in this world.

Fond Memories

2007-04-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

I lived in Kansas Up until the time I was 12 , when i moved to SoCal with my Grandparents. My mom lived with us until I was maybe 7 when she left for New York with her new guy, the rest of the time was with my Dad. I don't remember much about that time in my life and the few memories I have aren't the greatest. Screaming and fighting and drug abuse were the norm. FIghting(and I mean fighting) were the brunt of it. I do remember a few of the worst fights. Like I can remember the time my mom came home and found dad with a bunch of people drunk off their asses and my mom taking a bat to my dad and breaking his wrist, or maybe the time that she threw the ginormous crystal ashtray at him and it split his arm all the way up from the wrist to his elbow. He of course had to drive himself to the hospital, Blood was everywhere. None of those compare to "The Fight"

This was the time that I remember the most, was easily the worst fight i've ever seen period. I can really remember it clear as day, like a shitty movie or song that gets stuck in your head and you just can't fuckin get rid of it. I've had more than my fair share of nightmares about it. I was 6 years old and my little sis was 4. Being raging alcoholics and drug addicts, infidility ran rampant in our household. If it wasn't my Mom then it was my Dad. They made no attempts to hide it from their children either. One day, not long before my mom left, my dad came home and found my mom with his good, if not best friend "D". Mom and "D" were drunk as all hell of course and i'm pretty sure hopped up on some type of illegal substance(s). My Dad Worked the day shift on the Oil Rigs and had just gotten home from work. My sister and I were asleep in our beds in the basement when I heard it. I remember waking up to a really loud noise, something akin to a house being blown apart by dynamite. I ran up the stairs to see what was going on and as I turned the corner to the main room, I saw my dad(or at least he looked like him) on top of "D" beating the shit out of him. I knew this wasn't my dad at this point. The dad that I knew was now somewhere hidden in the farthest reaches of this guys head that was beating the life out of "D". My mom was on the ground about 10 feet behind where my Dad and "D" where when i saw her get up run up behind my dad, and tried to pull him off, bad move on her part. My dad just hauled off and with the back of his hand knocked her a good 10 feet back. Dad keep beating on "D" until there was nothing left at all to recognize him. Again, it looked like a slaughter house, there was blood everywhere. On clothes, bodies, floor, walls, windows, etc.. My Dad realized "D" wasn't fighting back or even moving at this point. He got up off of "D" and grabbed my mom off of the floor like a rolled up carpet.

Before I finish this, let me give you a layout of our house. We lived in a two story tall house, Though it wasn't really two stories. There was a really large basement(it's the midwest remember), but it actually raised above the ground almost a full story. the stairs to the front porch actually led up past the basement to the main part of the house, where the front room, kitchen, etc. were located. So the main part of the house was a good 10 - 20 feet from ground level. The kitchen had a fairly large garden window in it. The kitchen subsequently was where all of this was going down. I'm pretty sure that you can all can guess where this is headed. so...

After my dad stopped hauling off on "D" he went and grabbed my mom, who was well past innebriated and still stunned from the back hand my dad had given her. Mom was pretty much a rag doll at this point. He was holding her up against the wall with one hand and pummeling her with the other one. Dad(Or what of Dad there was there) with strength no one could possibly knew existed, threw my Mom out of that big garden window into, thank goodness, the bushes below. He stood there for a few minutes and turned to looked at me, who was completely stunned, and my little sister who was screaming and crying hysterically. At that point he turned from the anger induced hulk he was for the past 15 minutes(Though it felt like hours) back to the father that we knew. He got down to our level, which he always did to talk to us, told us that he loved us more than anything and would be back later. We didn't see him for quite a while, i would say a couple of months. When Dad finally came home, mom moved out, i saw her one more time about a month later and after that, well, everyone knows that story.

This is not a "my life was shitty, pity me" post, nor is it a "Fuck the world, it sucks" post. Instead, it is more of a post for those(you know who you are) that feel like life is nothing but shit. No matter how bad it is, there is always someone in the world going through worse. We can't control the paths our lives take sometimes. It's like being in a plane going through some really bad turbulence, you have to realize that you can't force it back to normal. All you can do is just relax, smile and wait it out, life WILL get better. There is no doubt.

Don't know what you got...

2007-03-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know that I've ever really liked that saying. Partially because it's always been true. No matter the circumstance, it almost always applies. lately I’ve had it echoing throughout my brain continuously and i can't seem to get it to shut the fuck up. I wrote a pretty good size post talking about my recent situation and decided to scrap it at the last second even though I had told someone I would post it (You know who you are, Sorry). It's not that it was a bad post, it was because I felt that, had I posted it, it would have been like I was trying to hold on to the whole situation. Almost like I was holding on to hope. Let me explain just a little. Most know that I was in a relationship with a pretty nutty chica up until about 6 mths ago. Well, before her I was in a relationship with a pretty great girl. But being me(an asshole) I got scared and pushed her away. Well, after me and my psycho ex split up, I ran into this other person. We talked a little bit and I realized that I had more feelings for her than I had thought. The problem is, she doesn't want ANYTHING to do with me. And to tell you the truth, I don't blame her one bit. I was a complete dick. I treated her like shit. I fucked up and have to deal with it. anyway, that's what my "disposed of" post was about.

Instead, I'm going to talk about moving forward. Going to talk about that "Thing". You know what that "Thing" is. It's the "Thing" that keeps people up nights. It's the "Thing" that makes people not eat for days on end. The "Thing" that reduces manly men to sobbing children. The "Thing" that fucks with your head. the "Thing" in certain circumstances, makes people take their own life or those of others in the most extreme of circumstances. I've never been a guy that spends time dredging up the shit in my head that makes people have a hard time moving forward. There has only been one or two times in my whole life that I actually spent more than a couple of days on someone who was no longer with me. it's not that I thought I could just get another girl, or that this one or that one didn't deserve my time, it's just that I figured, if it didn't work out, it wasn't meant to work out. I never wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. I remember getting an email one time that had a list of little quotes, one of them said "Don't waste your time on someone that isn't willing to waste their time on you". I don't think anyone can really say it better than that. I figured I would eventually meet someone that dug me and I dug her enough that it would work out. It was never a big deal. But this one folks, this one fucked with me. It wasn't just one thing that got me. It was a dozen things. None any worse than the previous one.

Part of me is having the hard time letting go because, once I do, I'm done. Once I have let go of someone from my heart, they are gone and there is no chance of them ever getting back in. My mind can't allow my heart to be hurt again like that. The deal is, I know there is no chance for us. If she doesn't want me, well she doesn't want me. You can't argue with that. You can't tell someone how they feel about you. I've had so many friends work so hard at trying to talk the other person into getting back together. But why? You can't change their feelings. Even If they did decide to get back together with you after spending all that time begging and pleading that it will work, it doesn't change how they feel or the reason it didn't work out in the first place. And what about the relationship? Do you think it will ever be the same? Nope, won't happen. case in point, my good friend really messed up his relationship with this girl. he was a complete ass to her and she wanted nothing to do with him after that. he spent the next nine months cleaning himself up, and trying to change the person he was so she'd want him back. He stopped drinking and smoking and started working out. Well, he finally talked her into trying their relationship again and started seeing each other. 2 weeks went by and it all seemed great. Then one day he found out that she had been going out on dates on the days he didn't see her. When he asked why, she said she just didn't feel the connection anymore. My buddy went through a huge depression, started drinking and smoking again, and basically went back to being the person he was before. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there are some circumstances where it did work, but most of the time all we are really doing is prolonging the inevitable. That's all. Doing that does nothing but make the hurt linger and extend the healing process. I like to think that I’m able to see life for what it is, A learning experience. I try to take all of the things that I’ve done right and wrong and learn from them. I know that with her, I didn't do very many things right. Maybe nothing right. I know that I can't change that. I have to learn from it and know what i need to change so that it doesn't happen again, the next one might just be the one. I'm getting older, and I don't want to be one of those angry, bitter old guys that lives the rest of his life in a corner pub, drinking my sorrows away, rehashing old memories about "That" girl. I still hold hope that "The One" is out there and we'll eventually run into each other in some strange way and have a great story to tell our grandkids, and I can safely say that I ended up growing old with "Her".

I know the birdman doesn't like him, but a song i've been listening to lately kind of seems to fit this whole topic of letting go and moving on. It's "What if I" by Joshua Radin and it's extremely well crafted. Enjoy.

What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today

I wonder if you'd miss me
When I'm gone
It's come to this, release me
I'll leave before the dawn

But for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong

I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight

So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

I could've treated you better
Better than this
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter
Can't stay in one place

So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

For Birdman

2007-03-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

From the back of a Planters Trail mix bag(not edited).

At PLANTERS, we're passionate about fresh
tasting nuts. In fact, our nuts taste Famously
Fresh...nut after nut after nut.

New Update!

2007-03-02T09:15:00.001-08:00

No Updates!

Happy V-Day!!

2007-02-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

The son of a good friend of mine is a really talented artist, and on top of that the guy has one of the greatest sense's of humor and a really quick wit, all that and only 16. For christmas he made the most kick ass christmas card that just had me in tears. Well he made one for Valentines day and it was just way to good to not be shared by everyone. So here it is for your pleasure.

Now on to chapter....

2007-02-12T10:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess that the saying "one chapter of your life is closed, time to start another one" is adequate right now. I just don't know what the new chapter is supposed to be. As some know, My mother, Whom I never really knew has been in a coma for the past year. Well, last Wednesday I received a call from my sister saying that she finally passed. I'm still not sure how to take it so I'm not going to write in depth about it. But I am going to write about how fucking stupid and insensitive it is for people to tell you how you should feel about something.

I find it strange that people have a tendency to expect you to feel and act a certain way in different situations, and when you don't, they look at you like you're some insensitive fucking monster. Incidently, I think it has to do with the way that they feel and they expect you to feel and act the same way they would in that situation. I have an aunt that is this way exactly and she insists to the point of anger that you feel and act the way she does. When my grandmother died, who was in all respects my mother, I had the hardest time. But I didn't cry or act somber in front of my family at all. When the time came for the funeral, I didn't want to go in to the viewing. My aunt threw a tantrum that would make any 5 year old proud of, saying that it was disrespectful and that I should want to see her one more time and that she would have wanted me to. Holy shit, pack your bags were going on a guilt trip. Thing is, I remember to this day so vividly the last conversation that I had with my grandmother. It was a great conversation with a lot of laughter and listening to her talk about everything, it was great. That is how I want to remember her, not being some cold corpse in a casket somewhere in dishwater Oklahoma. I told my aunt and the rest of my family this. Most of my family was very respectful of this, but my aunt, because it is not what she would do decided to continue her tirade on what is "right". So, me, being the eloquent and respectful nephew of a highly Christian woman simply stated in front of the rest of the mourning family, "Fuck you, you can take your pity party to hell cause I don't give a fuck what you think". She didn't say anything else after that about it.

When my uncle was in a really bad accident about 3 years ago, the prognosis wasn't good and I wanted to go back and give my family support, especially my cousin whom I'm really close to. Most of the time was spent in the hospital while he was in ICU trying to recover. The accident was really really bad. A blind intersection in the middle of the country in the wee hours of the morning. It was Pure luck that someone had come through and found the wreckage. I know that my uncle was in really bad shape. They started allowing immediate family in to see him at one point, the likelihood that he'd pull through was still slim to zero. I did not want to go in at all. Same as with my G'ma, I had really good memories of my uncle. He was a very tall and ominous man until you started talking to him. Soft-spoken and gentle, and certainly one of the greatest men I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. Again, I didn't want to remember him hooked up to a bunch of feeding tubes, with doctors constantly injecting chemicals into his body and his face wrapped in gauze bandages. My aunt, yes, same one, was distraught that I didn't want to see him to say goodbye in case he passed. I calmly said that it wasn't what I wanted and she should respect my wishes. She kept yipping at me like a fucking Chihuahua until the point that I was going to explode, she was saved by my family. I was so lucky that they stepped in as I was seriously about ready to go medieval on her and send her to a bed of her own.

When my mother was first in the coma I received call after call saying how awful it is that she's in this and that I HAVE to be dying inside and the misery must be overwhelming. But when I told people that i was actually really ok and didn't really feel anything at all I got strange looks and empty airtime on the phone. Mostly from my family but I got it from friends too. One of my good friends, whom I thought really understood me decided to lecture me on the need to let stuff out and it's ok to cry. Now she knows me, really well. has been with me through two really crappy relationships and knows that I have no problem crying as it does help me feel better(I know I know, EMO). But yet she couldn't understand that I didn't have that in me in this situation. I remember when her uncle died about 3 years ago, she had met him one(1) time when she was 3 or so, But she cried for days on end. I mean she just couldn’t stop crying. She again was projecting herself and what she would do and feel in the situation. She didn't think for a second that maybe I would feel different. Sad to say, but it's almost selfish in a way.

Now that my mother has passed, I’ve not gotten anybody to really give me crap about how I’m handling the situation. I'm thankful of that and that those that know me understand me and understand that I will grieve in my own way. I know that both my aunt and my friend and all the other people I didn't mention have the greatest of intentions, I have not doubt of that. I don't fault them for wanting to help and be there for me. I find it wonderful that I’m loved enough for people close to want to help. But I will fault someone for being insensitive to other people's feelings. Just because you feel one way about something, doesn't mean that another person is going to feel the same way you do. The best thing someone can do for someone else, is simply say, "If you need something, anything at all, I’ll be here for you. Don't be afraid to ask".

Girls are window lickers!

2007-01-30T14:02:00.000-08:00

So I was reading a great article over at Violent Acres this morning(by the way, this girl is brilliant and crazy funny, if you get the chance to go over to her site you should cause she has some very interesting things to say and she'll keep you laughing) And that got me thinking about some stuff i'm going through. Then i happened over to the hero's blog and between the two it kind of hit home on what just happened to me this last weekend so i thought i'd re-tell it here.

I met someone just after the holidays that i've been talking to. Really interesting, really funny and really nice. We've talked about everything on the phone, and I mean everything. we've talked for hours and those that know me know i don't talk on the phone(God love txt messaging), so that tells you how much we connected. Anyway, we've gotten really close, at least as close as you can over the phone. She's the first person that has actually made me forget about the utter shit fest that i went through in my last relationship with she-who-shall-not-be-named-but-wish-i-could-bludgeon.

Well, not long into our phone based relationship she told me that in being honest with each other i should know that she's "kind of seeing someone" but it's on the verge of collapse and she doesn't know if she wants to be in it anymore blah blah blah. I didn't think anything of it and said whatever, we are just friends getting to know each other right now and it's no big deal. So we continue to talk for the last month and all seems good and great and i'm getting a warm fuzzy feeling all over, and she says that she's getting the warm fuzzy feeling also and she's starting to really like me. We have the discussion about honesty and not about hurting people you care about and she says that she doesn't want to hurt the guy she's seeing or me, and i tell her that the longer she waits the worse it's going to hurt someone. People don't seem to realize that as they spend time trying to make those difficult decisions, the other people aren't sitting waiting for a decision, they continue to care for them more and more and the feelings become stronger and stronger.

So Then this past saturday i'm out with a friend and i get a call from her. I excuse myself and go outside to talk and i get a guys voice on the other end asking who i was. I talk to the guy a little bit without telling him who I am cause i don't want the fucking Mafia or some crazy git coming after me. Well it turns out that she's been in a commited relationship with this guy for the past year and a half and that they are on the verge of being engaged as they went out shopping for engagement rings the previous week. At this point i don't know if I should be pissed off, which i'm not, or just think, well, this is my karma for fucking up so much in my past relationships. That night I get the spologetic txt message saying I told her so and she'd like to talk about it. I call her the next morning and we have a conversation and she doesn't sound sorry in the least, in fact, she's so unapologetic that it's starting to piss me off. i start getting angry and maybe being a little more of a dick than i should have and started telling her that there is a ginormous difference in "Seeing someone" and being in a long term committed relationship and at what point was she going to tell me she's days away from being engaged and that we were friends and does she remember the two hour conversation we had about honesty. So she pulls this one out "You know what, i don't deserve to be treated like this". WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? We hang up and I don't talk to her for a day so we both can calm down and then i call her. She says she doesn't want to talk to me until I apologize. I ask her where my apology is and she says that she doesn't feel i should get one as she doesn't think she did anything wrong. So we hang up the phone and about 20 minutes later I get a call from the boyfriend again, now mind you, the guy is actully a really nice guy so i don't mind answering the questions he has cause i've been in the situation myself. After about 30 minutes i get a txt message from her saying "i know you just talked to him and by the way thanks for fucking me over more". I call her and ask what happened to "It's on the verge of collapse, and you don't know if you want to be in it". and she does the typical defensive maneuver, Doesn't answer the questions posed to her and just hangs up.

So it's blatantly obvious to me that i was the backup guy she had ready for when she was ready to break off the relationship. I know this because i've been in the situation and I know how shitty it feels to do this. When "Party A", Which is the main squeeze, finds out about "Party B", the new person, you treat "Party B" like complete shit out of sheer frustration for your own blatant fuck-ups that caught up with your pathetic lying ass while trying to patch it up with "Party A" while blaming "Party B" for everything that has happened. Which doesn't piss me off as much as just the fucking stupidity of lying and complete and utter lack of respect for herself and me. Fucking pathetic.

So as i start thinking about it and I actually start mentally berating myself for allowing myself to get into it and letting her break me like that. I really started feeling bad for her because i could have messed up something she has with a person that could have very well been the love of her life. I start feeling bad because i didn't see it coming and blaming myself for the shit that just happened (See the Hero's blog for this fun part of being a man). then it hits me, what a load of crap. I'm not the one to blame for any of this. This is all on her letting herself get into this situation and letting us get as far as we did. The sad part is that i really liked her and instead of being completely pissed off that she did this, i'm more hurt that she didn't come clean about it before this all went down, and now that it has gone down, that she hasn't owned up to what she did wrong and apologized for it.

I bring this up because i've been through my share of relationships and one thing has become a constant, Women will NOT take the blame for what they've done wrong. My best friend lives in Arizona and recently called to complain about her boyfriend. It came down to this, she did something amazingly stupid, but wouldn't apologize for it and expected her guy to just let it go and forgive her and he wouldn't. I asked her if she would expect him to apologize for the same thing and she said yes, but she said there was no way she was going to concede being wrong and making herself look like the guilty party in this situation. I told her she was a fucking retard and she was the guilty party in this situation and she needed to pull her head out of her ass. She did something wrong and it requires her to suck it up and admit to being wrong and say sorry. But she was too prideful to do that. I don't know what it is, but lately i've met so many women that would take a broken relationship over swallowing their pride and doing what is the right thing. Now, I have to admit i'm no great person. I've done my fair share of being an idiot and allowing my pride to get in the way and completely fucking something up so bad it would make one's head spin. But i'd like to think i'm an older more mature idiot. I've been told i do have the ability to be brutally honest to the point to tears. I'm not fond of it, but i don't see any point at all in lying to someone. You never gain anything at all from it. More importantly, as much as I am a BAMF(Bad Ass Mo FO) i do have the ability to know when i've said/done something wrong and say "you know what, you're right, i shouldn't have done/said that. I'm really sorry" and I have the ability to forgive, i've always been told, picture yourself in their place. In fact, the girl in this story called me and at one point i apologized for being a dick to her, she still didn't apologize. I understand that we are just humans and fucking up happens, but for christ's sake, admit to when you've done wrong. Smile, say i'm sorry, and get back to being happy. Like if too short to be an asshole.

To kill or not to kill, Not really a question.

2007-01-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

Me: If you were stuck on a deserted island, what 3 restaurants would you want there?

M: What Kind of restaurants can i have?

Me: Doesn't matter

M: NO, it does. I mean do they have to be fast food or sit down or can it be a combination of both?

Me: IT DOESN'T MATTER!!

M: How long have I been on the island?

Me: What?

M: I want to know how long i've been on the island.

Me: Why the hell does it matter how long you've been there?

M: It matters to me. Is it 1 week or 1 year?

Me: say 6 months.

M: Are there cooks or do i have to prepare the food myself?

Me: What.......are you talking about?

M: Do I have to prepare my own food or will someone do it for me like a normal restaurant?

Me: Does it really matter? SERIOUSLY?

M: well yes, and How is there still food available?

Me: Holy shit, What the FUCK are you talking about?

M: Because if people are being brought in to prepare the food or if the food is still being delivered there, can't i just get a ride off of the island?

Me: Fuck I hate you.

On the Lamb!!

2007-01-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

So went out to the CSUF ball game on saturday with the Duke and his friends N and E, Both very cool guys. Got there at half time and CSUF was up by 20. 4 minutes after that they were up by 30 and 2 minutes after that 40. N and E were ready to get out of there and have some beers. Went to Hero's and stood around drinking for about 2 hours, but it doesn't really matter if you have a beer in your hand, there's a ball game on and there's a bunch of nice looking ladies walking about. N's Girl shows up who I am smitten with and we eat and drink some more and then decide to go across the street to where my buddy works at a little Wine bar called "The Twisted Vine". Really cool place with even cooler people. I highly recommend it to anyone that wants to hang out at a casual relaxed place. So we head over there and E starts heading across the street. The Duke stops him and tells him be careful cause the 5 O are pretty hardcore down here against jaywalking. E says F'it and heads across the street and the Duke and I follow, I look down the street just as we get across it and what do I see, yup yup, lights. Sone of a.... The Duke and E start heading right past the bar where all of the bartenders who know us are saying hi and wondering what the hell were doing, I tell them that we just got busted. Just as The Duke and E hit the back door, I look back as the motorcycle cop slowly cruises by, I know he's
heading to the back so i stop the other two just as they are heading out to the patio. I tell them to hold up just a sec and Sho nuff Barney Fife slowly creeps by like the terminator on his bike. We start heading to the front as E and N are coming in the door. The awesome folks at TTV tell us not to worry, he won't head inside. We cozy up to one of the little bars and end the evening there. I was going throw in the swat team and some other bullshit but don't have the patience to write that much.

Happy New Year!!!

2007-01-01T18:18:00.000-08:00

Hey, all you aviators. I know it's been a couple of weeks since i've done an update, But i've been really busy sleeping in and doing nothing at all. HA HA LOSERS! Hope everyone had a merry christmas and a great New Year. Mine was really great. Still back here in my small home town in BFE(Kansas). Will be coming home on Wednesday. I look forward to it, but not ready to leave my family or go back to work. the first few days here were really nice, but it's gotten really nasty out. A line of storms stretching from west of denver to just east of where I am was dumping rain and snow all over. It was supposed to snow here big time Yesterday, but just dropped a little bit. Thank god. I know the Wrider would disagree, but BLAH!! I'll pass on the snow.

My sister is due any day now with her baby(from this point on called "the alien") , if she doesn't have "the alien" by wednesday morning they're going to induce. I was hoping i would be here when she has "the alien" but i supposed i won't. Ohh well. I didn't really want to see "the alien" anyway, just wanted to be there to support my sister. not so much a big fan of the kids.

Anyway, Gotta get back to the Rose Bowl. It's a sacrilege to do anything but watch football on new years eve and new years day if you are a male in my family. I don't really want to be lynched.

Started working on a new design for the blog, look for it soon.

Above is a pic of this podunk town. this is pretty much looking from one end to the other. Not very impressive i know.

Fun Times

2006-12-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." -G. Randolf .

It's been way too long since i've posted, but i haven't really had anything to say. Well now I do, and this post is going to get kind of cheesy, so if you can't stomach it leave now............. Ok, now that that's out of the way. This last friday was the Birdman's HH. I'm big on Happy Hour because...well...there's beer. This one was going to be a good one because the BM had left to a shiny new building. Everyone that the Birdman know's, knew or want's to know at the Merc or otherwise was invited. When we send out invite's like this it's all up in the air who will show up and who won't. I knew at this one, that all the people who were important would, and no one dissapointed(cept the MexiMidget, but she came out for lunch, so she's forgiven). It was waaay too much fun. I don't think i've laughed that hard in a long time. I always enjoy spending time with this clan. This is definitely one of the best group of people that someone can be aquainted with. It's like a crappy movie that you watch and shake your head saying "this is crap, no group of people are like that". Well, this group is. Everyone is easy going and all have the greatest sense of humor. I always end up laughing and having the greatest time. It always Bums me out when we have to go our seperate ways, feels like i'm walking away from my family. Though I do look forward to the next time we can do it again. My Gma always said "you can never have too many great friends". And i agree completely. I feel lucky to have such a great group to be a part of and am quite thankful for it. You all are the greatest.

Say Whaaaaaaa!!!

2006-11-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

Nothing new to really blab about , but i'm going to update anyway. First off, kids born in 1990 are now able to get their license. insane as that's just one year before i graduated. Crazy crazy stuff.

For those that missed the duke's party(Names will not be named here, though you are all slackers). Good times were had by all, or most anyway. Anytime you wake up and feel like crap the whole next day plus some, it was a hell of a night. The Duke, bless his little heart, drank enough to go down before 9pm. But myself and a few others kept it up and made up for his share and then some well into the wee hours of the morning. Though i must say, after that night, there will be NO MORE mixing of alcohol to be had anytime soon.

Let me see, oooh yeah, work blows big time. The Birdman, the biatch that he is, will be moving to another dept soon. That means that i'll have to find another desk to have temporary residence at while hiding from people. Most likely the duke's, or maybe just stay at my desk and work. HAHAHAHAHA, right. But we all wish him well in his new endeavor. it's been a long time and we all hope it turns out well for him and he keeps in touch. if not we'll all hunt you down.

Still studying for my CFI. What a huge monster of a pain in the ass. You can never know everything when it comes to aviation, that's something i'm learning more and more every day. It's an exam you never feel ready for but still have to just suck it up and do it. We'll see.

Work in continuing on my bug. I have it completely stripped down now to just the carcass. Just waiting to get the money together to get the metal i need to be welded in. I know i keep promising pictures, i just keep forgetting to bring my flash drive. It will b soon. Have a buddy that's going to get me a 1914cc engine for really cheap. that will kick some serious butt. With the weight of the bug, that engine will give it some serious power. It'll be a little sleeper.

Going to end this post with a great song. It's Everlong from the Foo Fighters. Audioslave let me "borrow" the new acoustic FF CD and ther version of this song is amazing. As much as Dave Grohl is a rocker, the guy can write lyrics that are very meaningful.

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Sorry, I know I owe you all!!!!!!

2006-10-30T15:17:00.000-08:00

What to say? So much has happened since my last post. Been doing all I can to keep myself busy doing everything. I have to Apologize first and foremost to the gang at Haggoween for not making an appearance at the festivities. I've already spoken with the Birdman and the Duke of Fullerton and was assured that all is forgiven due to the circumstances that evening(Beautiful young lady accessorized in Victoria Secret outfit. Panties, Bra and Wings). Though I do make a solemn oath to all that attend the events at the Duke's partay this weekend that I will drink vast quantities of alcohol and make a fool, if not a complete ass of myself. And as everyone knows, I am highly trained at making an ass of myself.

I had one hell of a weekend last week, but it was a "Hero" weekend and i have to leave that for him and his blog. Can't be jumping in and stealing his thunder. Been helping the good ole US of A try and gain the title of #1 in most drinking countries the past months worth of weekends along with the Duke of Fullerton and the Birdman. Props to both of them for kicking ass. Looking forward to adding to the score this weekend. The Lakers basketball season officially starts tomorrow when they play the Suns. Kick ass. So freakin excited. so sick of F'n baseball. One of the most R'tarded sports ever, and the only sport where guys who Lawn Bowl have more athletic ability and talent. Found out some more distubing information on things my Psycho Ex did. Makes the whole getting past her much much easier. Not much else to say. Hope all you Aviators are doing well.

Song of the week.

"PAPERWEIGHT"
lyrics by schuyler fisk

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wonderin' what's on your mind

I've been this way
with so many before
but this feels like the first time

and you want the sunrise to go back to bed
and I wanna make you laugh

mess up my bed
with me
kick off the covers
I'm waiting

Every word you say
I think I should write down
Don't wanna forget come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you

Play me a song
Your newest one
And please leave your taste on my tongue

Paperweight
On my back
Cover me like a blanket

mess up my bed
with me
kick off the covers
I'm waiting

Every word you say
I think I should write down
Don't wanna forget come daylight

And no need to worry
That's wasting time
And no need to wonder what's been on my mind
It's you
It's you
It's you

Every word you say
I think I should write
I should write
'cause I might forget in the daylight

I give up
I'll let you win
You win
'cause I'm not countin'

you made it back to sleep again
wonder what you're dreamin'?

Are you toxic?

2006-10-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been spending a lot of time with friends, new and old. Whether it be happy hour, going to movies, Monday Night football, or emailing back and forth. To me just spending time doing nothing but laughing is some of the best forms of therapy there is. I read somewhere for every hour you laugh adds another day onto your life and those that know me know that I try my best to make light of each situation in some way. I have always believed that life is much too short to be taken too serious. On that, I read something lately that really intrigued me. It has to do with a gent named Fritz Perls who was one of the leaders of Gestalt Therapy. In it he states that in all relationships each person could be either toxic or nourishing to one another. Not that each person would be the same in every relationship, but the combo of any two people in a relationship produces toxic or nourishing consequences. He went on to say that there is a test to check if someone is toxic or nourishing in your relationship with them. Once you have spent time with a person, no matter what it is you have spent that time doing, observe whether you are more energized or less energized. Whether you are tired or whether you are exhilarated. If you are more tired after than you were before, you have been poisoned. If you have more energy, then you have been nourished. I have used this test the last couple times i've gone out with friends and it works. I'm fortunate enough to say that I have yet to be poisoned, which makes me lucky enough to have a good bunch of friends.

Lyrics from a song i've been listening to.

Star Mile: Joshua Radin

Oh doubt in the girl by your side
She's feeding your pride As you go for a ride
down the star mile
Worlds arise as she lets you come in
A duo begins To the Hollywood din of lonely
And all the gold dust in her eyes won't reform into rain
You had and lost the one thing You kept in a safe place
Remember the face Of the girl who made you her own
And how you left her alone
All's well at the base of the hill
You might need to fill
a prescription to kill
off the silence.
Look down from your tower on high
and take in the night Look her right in the eye
She'll listen
Life comes to those that are true
The regular news
Over playing the blues
with the light on And if you burn
the road that'll lead you back to her in time
I'll watch you turn to stone
Can't find the sublime
She's moving on without you
The tide breaks
You watch the stars fade
They gather you back to their home
I guess it's better than being alone
I miss you.

Are you a Pirate Ninja?

2006-09-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

I saw this on SHOUTWIRE and decided I had to post it. I myself have only done 8 or 9 of these things. Still working to finish them all.

Own a Wookie
Han Solo was the coolest guy in the Star Wars universe. Why? Because Darth Vader didn’t have a Wookie. Chewbacca could make Toby McGuire look like a real man. Alternatively; buy a big, mangy, hairy dog and dress him up with an ammo strap and blaster gun.

Save a hot chick from certain death
Every man needs a story like this to tell his grandkids. Of course, by the time they hear it the girl you pushed out of the way of that bus will have her breast size raised by at least two cups and two dirty bombs will be added to the mix, but lying to your offspring is just something men have been doing for centuries. As always, utility belts and capes are completely optional.

Destroy something beautiful
You don’t have to beat a blond guy within an inch of his life to accomplish this one. Rip a small tree out of the ground, pee on a flowerbed, hell, it doesn’t matter, just fuck something up. If you have never done this, simply pick a random piece of your girlfriend’s collection of pink things, break it quietly, hide it well, and then walk away a man.

Wake up not knowing where you are
When you wake up with no idea where in the hell you are or how you got there, you know last night must have kicked serious ass. Who gives a fuck if you lost your wallet and have “Balls” written across your forehead, it is a right of passage for Christ sakes. No man has ever been cool without at least one story involving a massive amount of liquor and 6 to 12 hours of lost time.

Kill your own dinner
Not with a gun, with your bare hands. It doesn’t need to be a full grown bear, hell, strangle a fucking bunny if you have to, just get it done.

Give a sexually frustrated woman multiple orgasms
There are more of these women out there than anyone would like to believe. This is because most guys that girls want to sleep with (i.e. cock munchers who drive $50,000 cars and spend all their time in gyms) do not know how to please a woman. Guys like us do, because we aren’t chumps, we’re fucking pirate ninjas. Pirates don’t go to the gym, we earn our muscles fighting at sea.

Try to fix something; totally break it in the process
Just because it is what we do best, and we do it well. Talking out of our asses I mean, not fixing stuff. A man just isn’t a man unless he screws the hell out of some piece of equipment beyond repair at least once in his life. For added effect, add a little grunt after the smoke settles, Toolman style.

Create fire from sticks
I don’t mean matches. I’m talking two twigs in the middle of the woods during a snowstorm with a woman screaming in your ear about how cold she is. Real men are made under pressure and there is no more stressful a scenario than the one I just described. Triumphing in such a situation means you have not only proven your primitive manhood, but you have also earned the right to sleep with said woman more than any other man she has been with before.

Outdrink your buddies
If you must spike beer with whiskey and cheat, do so. There is no better feeling in this world than to be the last man standing, staring down at your passed out friends through shit faced, glossed over eyes in triumph while talking mad shit and peeing in the nearest houseplant.

Get rocked by an older woman
I don’t mean grandma old, 35-40 should suffice. Until this happens to you, you do not really know anything about sex, no matter what you think. Do this while you are still young and it will prepare you for the rest of the sexual experiences in your entire life. The next drunk sorority chick you shag rotten will scream like a Japanese schoolgirl at a Yanni concert.

Beat up a movie star
Punch him right in his fucking face. I have caught your trail, you little bitch. You can only run for so long. Soon, Tom, soon…

Life isn't that bad after all.

2006-09-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

I'm the knd of person that tries to take the positive out of every bad situation. Sometimes, like this time in my life, it's really tough and I really have to look hard for something to show me the silver lining in life. I found this on the web and it puts things into perspective. Miniature Earth.

Good friends and finding something new

2006-09-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems I have completely screwed up the only thing incredible to have ever come into my life. As some know, I have been waging an on again, off again war(mainly due to me) with the one that I finally decided to give my heart and soul too. It seems the war is over and neither of us is the victor. I'm usually the one that can say good riddance, and walk away without a problem, but I don't see that happening this time. I do know, though it's sad to say, that I tend to keep my heart to myself for a very long time. I just don't see that it's worth giving it away. It will always come back to you anyway, either damaged or broken, and life is just too short to have to feel that much pain.

So my plan is to get back into the hobbies that I have(Funny how once you meet someone those things just kind of fall to the side) and spend time with friends. Going to the nationals this weekend with the birdman and a few others. Gonna get back onto a workout regimen, start playing basketball, finish up all of my flying and the two things that i'm most looking forward too. Starting to play my guitar again, Yes, i do play guitar, and Yes, i suck. Doesn't matter, it's a freakin Les paul, it'll make me sound at least OK. The second thing i really look forward too is finishing my Bug. I bought my dream car, a 1963 convertible beetle, about a year ago and have been slowly tearing it down to it's bear bones so i can build it back again. Still deciding on whether i should go full resto or a mild custom resto. Not sure yet, but i'll keep you all posted and get some pics up pretty soon.

I want to end this post with my one of my favorite poems from my favorite poet, Rod McKuen. I hope all you aviators like it. It fits with the theme for today.

I stood watching
as you crossed the street
for the last time.
Trying hard to memorize you.
Knowing it would be important.
The way you walked,
the way you looked back over your shoulder at me.

Years later
I would hear the singing of the wind
and the day's singing would come back.
That time of going would return to me
every sun-gray day.
April or August it would be the same
for years to come.

Man has not made the kind of bromide
that would let me sleep without your memory
or written erotically enough
to erase the excitement of just your hands.

These long years later it is worse
for I remember what it was
as well as what it might have been.

Holy Cheebus!!

2006-08-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

I should have thought about this.

have a listen

Hip hop traslation for dummies. nizzice.

2006-08-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

Just a little something to make you laugh......or crap yourself.

yeah o yeah

"so i dig into my pocket all my money is spent,
so i dig deeper but still coming up with lint."
Erik B and Rakim

You funny guy docta Jones.

2006-08-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, here are some videos to make you laugh. And remember, VD is for everybody.

Don't copy that floppy
Need some Caffeine?
UR Crazy!!
HAHAHA
With love from Russia

"We're here and now, will ever be again,
Cause I have found,
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again"
Fuel - Shimmer
Greatest song ever!!!!

The public "Office"!

2006-08-28T14:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, pet peeve time on today's flight folks. Ok firstly, if you are one to execute any of the following pet peeves or are just bothered or insulted by them, well, I'm not sorry, suck it up, quit crying and then go home and kill yourself slowly. Now, on my way to work the other morning as I was on the "on Ramp" transitioning to get on the freeway, I, along with a dozen other enraged motorists were stuck behind a newer model corvette (yes corvette) traveling at, and this is not a joke, 35. He continued to travel 35 well onto the freeway. I passed him just to get a look at this idiot and realized that he is of the geriatric crowd. I can only assume that he pulled out all of his social security and 401k that he earned throughout his life so that he could spend it on this vehincle so he could look cooler and go down to the home and pick up on maybelle or betty lou, which wouldn't freakin matter anyway as the passenger seat has to be used for either his oxygen tank or his iron lung. Holy crap I was pissed. next, I was in the restroom relieving myself(that's going No 1 for you birdman) when someone who will remain nameless(my manager) came in and decides to interrogate me about a project date. Ok, i'm at my desk most of the day, or at least a few min of it, send me a freakin email and ask me to come in for a few min and question me there. And finally, one that really kills me. Say someone emails or IMs you a question, you reply to it with your infinite wisdom, they say thank you. What do you do? YOU DON'T DO S**T. That is the end of the f'n conversation. you don't need to reply, it just wastes your and their time. God i hate people sometimes.

"in the space of a 5 hour time difference,
My mind has run a marathon of thought leaving
loneliness to abuse me and jealousy to pick up the pieces"
Unknown

Back to Funny Business

2006-08-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

So i was listening to Kevin and Bean on KROQ this morning(if you're not listening to them, you're not human), and they were talking about a new law in Vegas that states that it's against the law to sleep within 500 feet of urine or feces. Stupid? Yes. Funny as hell? damn straight. But that's not the funniest part. As they were discussing this, the question came up, "how will they inforce this?", and one of them asked if they had "Poop Nazi's", in which someone responded that it sounded like a band name. One of the other's asked if the police were going to do a "Fecal Recon". and again someone stated that it sounded like a band name. At this point i was cracking up. So here's what's on the table. What other idiotic verbage have you heard that sounds like a band name. Here's my input. Rectal Bleeding, Taco Cheese, and i think my favorite....ready.....Penile Discharge.

On tomorrow's flight, Pet Peeve's.

"Things you forget to say,
will haunt you.
been down here a million days,
i know you'll get me through"
3 Colors Red

Sorry for the lack of humor!!!

2006-08-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

So i'm home from um....well home. Though i'm not a big fan of it, Kansas is where i'm from, so that's home to me. At least that's where my family is from. It wasn't meant to be a visit to have fun and relax. There was a purpose to it. My mom, whom i haven't seen in about 27 years and haven't talked to in 15, has been in a coma for the last 5 months. She's being cared for at a long term care facility that my sister works at. So a few weeks ago my sister said that i needed to come out and at least say goodbye as the doctors say that it doesn't seem like she'll last much longer. I mulled this over for a week or so and with the help of friends(thanks all) decided that i should go. I didn't know what to expect or what to say other than know that i was quite nervous and as the time got closer i got more nervous. When i finally got there, and my sister led me into the room she was in, i stood at the end of the bed and looked at a person that i didn't recognize at all. I still have the memory of the last time i saw her, and the person lying in this bed in front of me didn't resemble the person in my thoughts or the pictures i have one bit. I tried hard to find any part of her that i would recognize and couldn't come up with any. I realized that i could walk into any room in this facility and feel the exact same way about the person lying there. They are all just strangers to me, just as she is. I'm still working hard on trying to process all of this and make something out of it. Even though i didn't know what to expect, I hoped to feel something, whether it was feeling cheated out of the family environment, or not having a mom around to argue with or talk about girlfriends that were bad for me, or maybe just feel pissed off that i was always alive and she never put any effort into at least trying to keep in contact. Just anything. But i didn't feel any of it. I felt nothing, not even numb, and i'm not sure if that makes me sad or not, which is the worst part. Not quite sure how to take that yet.

"Love of mine
Someday you will die
but I'll be close behind.
I'll follow you Into the dark"
Death Cab for Cutie

Coming Home

2006-08-20T07:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the airport terminal in KC waiting to board my flight home from visiting my family and two(2) thoughts came to me. First, i'm bummed about leaving my family. My family is very important to me(even though they live in KS) and I know there are a lot of people out there that don't feel that way about their families. It's a shame. Second, If you want to see love in all it's great forms, come and sit at an airport terminal(though it's not as easy to do these days). In the hour and a half that i've been sitting here i've seen Friends greet other friends, Grandparents embrace their grandkids, husbands embrace their wives, loved ones embrace other loved ones, and strangers strike up conversations with other strangers. In a world where it seems like everything is falling apart and hate is taking over. It's good to know that Love, in all it's forms, is alive and well.

"If i lay here,
If i just lay here.
Would you lie with me and just forget the world"
Snow Patrol

Foolish Mortals!

2006-08-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

So i've been studying my ass off for my CFI(Certified Flight Instructor) exam. Pretty much one of the hardest exams a pilot will face(not to dismiss all you guys that have taken the ATP). It basically consists of 6 - 8 hours of questioning in all areas related to Aviation, then on to about a 2 hour flight with all maneuvers being done to some pretty exact tolerances in the right seat instead of the left. anyway, i've been stressing like i've never stressed before over this and i realized, if i pass, it means they trust me enough to teach other people to fly. What the F**k are they thinking? We'll see.

I do apologize profusely to the Bird Man for stealing his tiny(and i do mean tiny) bit of code.

By the way, if you haven't seen this video, you must. If you don't laugh at it till you puke. you got problems with your funny glands.

"Whoever said,
to have loved and lost, is better than never loving.
Never felt like this" Jacks Broken Heart

I Hate Mondays!!!

2006-08-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

Not that anyone cares anyway. But since today is my Monday and tomorrow is my Friday, I thought that I would just put that out there. Booyaka!!!!

"Where did i go wrong, I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness" The Faint